We all go through this sooner or later in our lives. Sometimes we fall in love even though we know it’s not right and we keep trying even though it obviously doesn’t work.
I have never been a sort of a person who needs to be in a relationship. Not that there is anything wrong with people who do, but most of the time I enjoyed being single and doing my own thing. But here in Thanh Hoa I met a guy, and for some reason I thought that he could be someone I would want to have something more with, something permanent. I knew that we both had plans to carry on with our travels after some months, but it didn’t represent an obstacle for me. Best case scenario – if we fall in love and want to stay together, we’ll find a way to either travel together or reunite after a while. Worst case scenario – both of us or one of us would decide that we don’t want to carry on, and we would say our goodbyes. Yes, it would hurt, and yes, I would have had to put some effort into healing that pain and letting go of that relationship, but that didn’t scare me. It never did and maybe it never will.
I am the kind of person who wants to do everything to the fullest. I am passionate and intense about people, both in my friendships and my relationships. I like to go deep, I seek real, tangible connections. The possibility of having to let people go at some point in the future is still sad and scary, but it doesn’t stop me from wanting to experience it all the same. Having this mindset, it is hard for me to understand and accept that not all people are like this and that many prefer to be cautious with their heart. I might be foolish, but I’ve never learned how to guard my heart very well, at least not yet, and maybe it is another skill that needs to be developed somewhere along the way.
Or maybe not. Maybe the way I go all in and the way I want to be known and know another to the fullest is just fine, and maybe, just maybe, I’ve only not met anyone who would be as brave with their heart as I am.
However, another valuable lesson that I have learned is that falling in love when you’re in a bad place emotionally and mentally can’t really work. Since I was bored and lonely in this city, the guy I fell for was the only one I truly felt connected to in some way and the only one I really began to care for as the time went by. That is a tremendous burden for another person to carry, even if it’s just a friendship. Our partners, whoever they are, and whatever they are like, cannot be our only source of happiness. I had fallen into that trap here, I saw myself falling as it happened, I knew all along it wasn’t smart, and I still couldn’t do anything about it. My longing for a connection with another human being was so strong that it overshadowed the fact that this person, although a good and interesting man, was not right for me, and I wasn’t right for him. Or the timing was just not right for us.
However messy it all was, I am still grateful for having met him. He has made me feel alive in a place where I mostly felt dead.
But in the future I cannot allow myself to seek a connection so desperately, no matter the cost. I need to learn how to reconnect with myself at times when I feel lonely and needy, because ultimately, those feelings come from within and that’s where they need to be dealt with – at the source.